John Boehner is seated at the bar of his favorite Washington watering hole. On his left is soon-to-be House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. On his right is South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint. The senator sits, elbows on the bar, shoulders hunched like a man telling a dirty joke. At intervals, he reaches over to a nearby candy dish, plucks a cashew, and pops it in his mouth.
DeMint: One helluva party that was, let me tell you...
Boehner: I've always said you guys in the Senate put everyone to shame.
DeMint: You don't know the half of it, John. Let me tell you...
Cantor [musing to himself]: House Majority Leader Cantor! See what you missed out on, Aiyana? Maybe Efran was taller and more handsome and had better family. But look at me now! Look at your cute little Eric!
DeMint: What's that boy mutterin' about?
Boehner: Never mind him. Listen, Jim, I just want you to know I'm not bearing a grudge against you.
DeMint: What on God's Green Earth are you talkin' about?
Boehner: Well, Jim, there're a lotta people --good people --that say it's your fault they came up short in the Senate. Mitch McConnell blames you for Harry Reid still sitting in the Majority Leader's office.
DeMint: Mitch said that, did he? Well I got news for Mitch McConnell. Anytime he wants to puff out his little chest I got five words for him: Senator. Rand. Paul. Of. Kentucky. And you know, John, there might be a lesson in there for you, too. [He pops a cashew in his mouth and crunches.]
Boehner: Ya gotta admit, Jim, you dealt him a shit hand. I mean, Sharron Angle? Christine O'Donnell?
DeMint [chuckling]: Hee, haw. Did you read the story that ol' boy from Maryland wrote about O'Donnell? "Hot to trot" don't cover the half of it!
Boehner: You didn't really wanna be in the majority anyway, did ya? Too much work. Easier to throw bombs from the minority, isn't it?
DeMint: You'd know. Too bad about that boy in Ohio, what was his name? Iott? Tell you what, we've lost something in this country when a man can't dress up like a Nazi. I mean, for historical purposes.
Boehner [exasperated]: So I spoke at a fund raiser for the man. He lost. Why is everyone still cryin' about it?
DeMint: It's alright, John. Nobody's suggestin' anything. Wouldn't dream of it. Got nothin' but respect for the new Speaker. Besides, say what you want about the Nazis, one thing's sure: they knew how to enforce the law. Ain't that right, Cantor?
Cantor [startled out of a daydream]: What? Nazis? Er... Senator... you do know I'm Jewish, don't you?
DeMint: Lemme tell ya, son. Where I come from, there's Jews and there's jew-boys. And I want you to know I never thought of you as some damn jew-boy.
Cantor: Uh, thanks... I guess...
DeMint: Joshin', boy. Just joshin'. Don't get all sassy with me. Anyway, I gotta git to goin'. You boys up here in the House can bend an elbow alright, but if you ever git down there to N'olins, have Dave Vitter show ya around. Just make Cantor wait in the car. [He stands to leave, then leans in, conspiratorially.] Last time I was there, Vitter took us to a place... Swear to God... there was two gals, cute as all get-out, oiled up and kissin'! Right there on the stage!
DeMint: What's more, one of 'em was colored!
[DeMint nabs a last cashew from the candy dish and tosses it toward his mouth. It bounces off his upper lip and into Boehner's martini glass.]
DeMint: Be seein' ya, boys. Prob'ly in the Fox News Green room. [Exit]
[Cantor and Boehner watch DeMint leave in silence.]
Cantor: You think he meant it?
Boehner: About Rand Paul? Hell, yes, he meant it! It's not how many he loses; it's how much he can make McConnell sweat.
Cantor: Huh? Oh, uh, no. No, I meant about the two girls...
Boehner [whistling]: Here we come, America! Yes, indeed. Here we come!
[Boehner throws his head back and empties his glass. He coughs, explosively, spits his drink all over the bar. A sodden cashew is stranded on the dark wooden surface.]