Friday, March 26, 2010
Friday night at the GOP watering hole
Bartender: How's that drink coming?
Boehner: When it gets to here... [he indicates a point partway up the side of his glass] ...start mixing.
Bartender: Tough week, Congressman?
Boehner: You have no idea.
[Enter House Minority Whip Eric Cantor]
Boehner: Oh, Christ! Hurry up with that refill!
[Cantor seats himself on the stool next to Boehner. He ignores the bartender's inquiring glance, turns on his stool, pointing his knees at Boehner. The bartender collects the empty glass and wanders away.]
Cantor: Did you see my presser? How about that, huh? The Architect himself couldn't have done it any better.
Boehner [sourly]: The Architect? Not exactly shooting for the moon, are ya?
Cantor: Think about it. I make the Democrats seem wimpy when they complain about death threats from the Glenn Beck crowd. Blame the victim! Just like Karl used to do it.
Boehner: Yeah, brilliant.
Boehner: Christ, don't you know sarcasm when you hear it?
Cantor: Hey, come on! I'm Jewish. Anyway, one of the redneck yokels in my district fires a gun into the air and the bullet lands in my office! How's that for luck? Just plain dumb luck!
Boehner: You can say that again.
[The bartender returns. Boehner snatches the martini out of his hand and slams it back, then returns the empty glass.]
[The bartender turns away, shaking his head. Enter Sarah Palin.]
Cantor: Oh, Jesus!
Boehner: Hey, come on! You're Jewish.
Palin: Hi, guys!
Palin: Eric, saw you on teevee today. Way to go!
Cantor: Thanks, sweetheart.
Palin: Hey, I'm glad I ran into you both. I have something for you.
[She digs into her handbag and produces two copies of Going Rogue: An American Life.]
Palin: Just my way of saying thanks for, you know, lookin' out for America's values.
[She hands one to Cantor, then extends another toward Boehner.]
Boehner [nodding toward the bar in front of him]: Just put it there.
[The bartender returns with another martini. Boehner takes a pull, then sets the glass down on the book. A water ring forms on the jacket.]
Cantor [reading from the flyleaf of his copy]: "Keep on tea-bagging, America! It's the Christian thing to do." Thank you, Sarah, but, uh, did you know I'm Jewish?
Palin: Oh, Eric. Don't be so literal. After you've signed a thousand, your hand just starts writing. You don't think about it.
Boehner: Works that way with mouths, too.
Palin: Anyway, did you hear the news? I'm getting my own teevee show!
Cantor: You don't say?
Palin: It's going to be great! I'm calling it "Sarah Palin's Alaska."
Cantor: Great news! This calls for a celebration. Bartender, Coors Light!
Palin: And I'll take a strawberry daiquiri. Oh, and can you put a maraschino cherry on it?
Bartender [to Boehner]: How 'bout you?
[Boehner glares. The bartender nods, turns away.]
Cantor: They think they won a big victory with their health care reform! We'll show 'em, eh, Sarah?
Palin: And how!
Boehner: Desi and Lucy's got nothin' on the two of you.
Palin: Thanks, John. You know, you're one of the old Republicans that I can really respect.
Boehner [sobbing]: Where's that g*d-d*mn drink?