Big Dick ain't so scary anymore

Rage on, beast! Rage on!

Of all the unlikely genealogical matches one might imagine, could there be any more strange than that which came to light with the discovery that Barack Obama and Dick Cheney are actually cousins? Well, strange as it seems, it is true, according to an article in September 2008 in the Chicago Sun-Times.

Be that as it may, Cousin Dick is not letting any family sentiments get in the way of him spewing forth his hateful bile, delivered in his gravelly monotone, raging that cher cousin is all wrong about where he wants to take the country.

Big Dick, in his first television interview since fleeing his Washington, DC crypt, told CNN's John King that President Obama has made the United States more vulnerable. "Now he is making some choices that, in my mind, will, in fact, raise the risk to the American people of another attack," growled Dick.

President Obama has announced an end to waterboarding detainees during interrogations, required that CIA interrogators abide by rules put forth in the Army Field Manual, ordered the closure of secret intelligence interrogation sites, and ordered the (eventual) closing of the Guantanamo Bay detention facility. That is quite a set of reversals from Big Dick's horror house vision, each of which must cause the waning life force in his dessicated cadaverous body to sputter and cough.

Further, Big Dick must have been positively nonplussed when President Obama had the temerity to actually respond.

I fundamentally disagree with Dick Cheney. Not surprisingly. You know, I think that Vice President Cheney has been at the head of a movement whose notion is somehow that we can't reconcile our core values, our constitution, our belief that we don't torture, with our national security interests. I think he's drawing the wrong lesson from history. The facts don't bear him out. That attitude, that philosophy has done incredible damage to our image and position in the world. I mean, the fact of the matter is, after all these years, how many convictions actually came out of Guantanamo? How many terrorists have actually been brought to justice under the philosophy that is being promoted by Vice President Cheney? It hasn't made us safer. What it has been is a great advertisement for anti-American sentiment. --President Obama, March 22nd, 2009, 60 Minutes

(Although President Obama's questions are most likely intended to be rhetorical, they have empirical answers: there have been 14 convictions of detainees at the Guantanamo Bay facility. Fourteen out of 245 detainees. More than half of the detainees have never been accused of committing hostile acts against the US or its allies, according to evaluations made by the Defense Department.)

This kind of insolence must surely make Big Dick apoplectic. A mere three months ago, no one would have had the stones to challenge him like this... not even Junior, who, like a sullen but defiant teenager, refused to issue a pardon for Scooter Libby, then locked himself in his office to avoid Big Dick's wrath.

But the times have changed for Big Dick. His visage just isn't daunting people like it used to, back in the day. Even the pipsqueak House Republicans have been wishing Big Dick would go back to his coffin.

“He became so unpopular while he was in the White House that it would probably be better for us politically if he wouldn’t be so public...But he has the right to speak out since he’s a private citizen," said Representative John Duncan, Junior (R-Tenn).

It must gall Big Dick terribly that he can't evoke terror from even a lowly House Republican anymore, let alone his upstart, greenhorn cousin. Well, rage on, Big Dick! Just like every other undead creature who has sold his soul to extend his power and influence, your fate is sealed: your remaining days on this material plane are to be consumed with impotent, tortuous rage.

Then you die.

Then it gets worse.