Grosse Pointe must have sounded like a popgun war zone tonight. The tuxedo-ed elite were no doubt popping open the Dom Perignon by the case. Mitt Romney, old chap, you pulled your bacon out of the fire. You gave a right good slap to whacky Rick Santorum in the Michigan primary. And, in so doing, you delivered a back-of-the-hand rebuke to the grubby Republican commoners that, of late, have seemed awfully forgetful of their social station.
The vote was close. As of this writing the margin is a mere 3 percentage points. But a win is a win, as you pointed out yourself in the victory speech.
You won big with Republicans who earn more than $200,000 per annum. Blue bloods all across the nation will surely sleep more soundly with the Michigan results. They can feel just a bit more assured that, although the rabble puts up an awful cacophony, in the end they'll bend to the lash like they always do. Mitt, you're their man, and they'll just have to live with it. "The bums always lose," as the Big Lebowski put it. Or, as Monty Burns said, "What good is my money if I can't use it to intimidate my fellow man?"
But, darling, there are just a few trifling details that, as much as it pains me to mention them, might trouble your bubbly dreams when you lay your head on your silk-cased eider down pillow.
The Detroit News reports that voter turnout was "pretty light." Lower than it was in 2008, when you defeated John McCain in that year's primary. Light turnout is the trend this year. Republican enthusiasm seems to have fallen off rather precipitously since the Big Red Wave of 2010.
But if you really plan to move into the White House, Mitt, you'd better find a way to spunk up the worker bees. They seem still to be upset about your sound advice to "let Detroit go bankrupt" back when that awful negro fellow concocted the socialist auto industry bailout. And then there was that remark you made about "the very poor" and how they weren't really your concern. The very nerve of it!
This is what comes of coddling Johnny Lunchpail, eh, Mitt? Give him a decent wage and health insurance and he starts to get cheeky. If you do make it to the White House, Mitt, I'm sure we'll soon see an end to all of that nonsense.
But Santorum isn't giving up. He gave a fiery concession speech tonight, with every indication that he'll keep fighting. And, Mitt, old chap, you know what that means: more saucy talk, more uppity behavior from the hired help.
Dreary, yes? Isn't life dreary, old chap?