Friday, April 01, 2011

Let's see what you've got, Tolkien fans

One ring to rule them all... yadda, yadda, yadda.
Everybody's a Tolkien fan nowadays.

Not to get all "Old Guard" on you, but I've been hip to Middle Earth since way back when Tolkien himself was still among the living.  So, you'll forgive me if I let fly a derisive snort at people who maybe, you know, went to see Peter Jackson's travesty and think that that qualifies them as Tolkien aficionados.

Fortunately, real Tolkien fans have certain innate tools at our disposal.  (Innate, I tell you!)  If you can correctly answer these questions, you are one of us.

Answers below.  No cheating!  If you cheat, I'll know. I've upgraded from palantíri to full-on Manwë VisionTM!

Galadriel:  Stuck up wench!

1. Which one of the following was turned away by the doorman at Túna's exclusive Noldor-only nightclub, The Mingled Light?
  1. Fingon
  2. Galadriel
  3. Olwë
  4. Caranthir
Dwarven jam session
2.  If the size of one's smoke rings is an indication of lung capacity, which attendee of the Unexpected Party was the biggest stoner?
  1. Bilbo
  2. Gandalf
  3. Thorin
  4. Bombur
"Sorry, babe.  Dad says we should wait."
3.  Beren to Lúthien:  "Honey, I hate to break it to you, but that hell hound just bit off  ____!"
  1. my hand.  
  2. your clothes.
  3. my aspirations.
  4. more than he can chew.
Fingolfin to Morgoth:  "Dude, be mellow!"
4. Morgoth is to Sauron like Dick Cheney is to...
  1. Junior Bush.
  2. artificial heart technology.
  3. light, life, and happiness.
  4. It's a poor analogy.  Morgoth had some redeeming qualities!
Now, then... let's see how you did.

 Okay, so maybe he's an insufferable prude.  But nobody makes cheese blintzes like good ol' Manwë.

1.  Olwë.  You know those Noldor, eh?  Teleri just don't fit in with the beautiful people.  The good news is that Mingled Light kitchen staff needed a dishwasher, so Olwë did make it in the door.  The backdoor.

2.  Trick answer!  It was Balin.  Dude got so high he lost track of where he was going and ended up in a very bad neighborhood:  Post-Durin Moria!

3.  Beren lost his hand.  His tossin' hand at that.  No worries, though.  He and Lúthien got set up in a cottage in Ossiriand.  Nice and private.  Heh.

4.  Junior.  Except, unlike Junior, Sauron is not an idiot.

Update:  UnitFour's comment is incorrect!  Olwë was Thingol's little brother.  When the Teleri couldn't find Thingol ('cause he was out "doing" Melian), Olwë led them to Aman in Thingol's stead.  And all this time, I thought UnitFour was one of us...


Dan Binmore said...

I didn't get the first one. My father read the entire Hobbit and then Lord of the Rings to me at bedtime as a child.

UnitFour said...

Olwe, being a Teleri, never traveled from Beleriand to Aman and thus never viewed the light of the Two Trees in Tirion upon Tuna. The same light, by the way, that was preserved by Galadriel and given to Frodo in a vial.

Sam Jr. said...

Lo, but I must hang my head in shame. I failed the quest. On the upside, it means I can read Tolkien again since I have forgottn so much. Each time I have to wait until I get to the point I do not remember the next scene, the exact dialogue, awaiting me on the next page. It seems I have reached that point, and thanks to your excellent quiz, I rejoice in my new found ignorance. Thanks Dade.