Monday, July 07, 2008

A note of support to two good friends

I write today in sad homage to the innocent love of two dear friends that have recently decided they must end their long campaign to stay married. After a sad and desperate struggle, they have determined that they must each pursue peace and fulfillment without the other.

My heart aches for them, for each of them. But not because they have failed (they haven't) or because they will never again be happy. I feel for them because they must endure the emotional trauma that is inherently part of any divorce.

Feelings of failure are hard to avoid when one is going through a divorce. It is a bitter pill, indeed, when the Herculean effort of trying to save a marriage comes to naught. But it is a mistake to view divorce as failure. The reality is that the dissolution of a marriage is a crucible: the painful transition forges a newer, wiser soul; one that is less susceptible to the chimera of fairy-tales, less vulnerable to the inevitable disillusionment.

I know that both of my friends are wracked with sadness and loneliness and fear. Divorce is a dark and lonely endeavor. But, just as divorce is not failure, neither is it despair. Inherent in divorce is a kernel of hope...hope that one's future holds promise: the promise of a life that is not laden with a tragic sense of failure, the promise of happiness and emotional relief, the promise of validation, and, yes, the promise of redemption.

Some day, they will each look back on the story of their love and the brave little struggle they made to forge a life together and they'll acknowledge to themselves that it was not meant to be.

And they'll be proud that they fought so hard to keep it together for so long. They'll be proud that they loved each other enough to sacrifice and suffer and try mightily to make it work.

And they'll have fond remembrance of those happy times when the future was laid out at their feet like a clear pool of water under a blazing summer sun.

And they'll be grateful, each to the other, for the gifts of wisdom and experience that they exchanged.

And maybe they'll even find that they still have a kernel of love for each other, even though they know that it is best that they are apart.

Knowing them both as I do, that's my bet.


Ridwan said...

You are a good friend and man to offer these pearls of wisdom brother.

Peace Dade.


Shus li said...

One of the most painful experiences of life; to love and lose the dreams attached to that love. May your friends find comfort in your caring words.


Anonymous said...

This is exactly why you will be rewarded in life and by life...your care and thoughts for others. Thank you Dade for everything. You have been a solid rock for me.

Anonymous said...

Maybe so, but I am stilled pissed off about you getting those curtains.

Eclectic Dilettante said...

Going through a divorce really sucks and it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Hopefully their process will be less difficult than others.

Wishing both well.

Anonymous said...

Having gone through my own divorce last year - this read touched my heart. You do feel as if you failed, even if you know it to be the right choice. Living life TRUE to yourself.... being brave enough to GROW and LEARN.... making healthy choices even if they HURT you and those you love - that is true triumph my friends.

Dade... you are a wonderful and caring man. Hope to see you soon!


dade's ex said...

Maybe so, but I am stilled pissed off about you getting those curtains.