Ranking the Republicans from bad to worst

Well, here we go. Another political primary season underway. It'll be a fascinating show, if you've got the stomach to watch it.

Last night, Fox News hosted the first Republican debate of the campaign.

(Actually, they hosted two debates. There are 17 major candidates vying for the Republican nomination. Too many to crowd onto a stage. So, with typical Fox News chicanery, Roger Ailes and his organization divvied up the debaters into two groups based on how they polled. Those candidates that polled in the top 10 got to appear in the "main" debate, which occurred in the evening and was watched by 1 in 6 American households. Those who didn't make the cut got to participate in the kiddie debate, which occurred in the non-prime time afternoon.)

I didn't get to watch either debate but, being the political junkie that I am, I'm well-acquainted with the candidates. (Sadly.)

And so, discounting the candidates in the kiddie debate whose support is down at the "white noise" level, I present here my ranking of the GOP field, rated from least bad to absolute worst.

 #10 John Kasich

I despised John Kasich when he was a loud-mouthed congressman from Ohio's 12th district back in the 90s and even more when he was a crazy-eyed Fox News host. His contempt for women's rights is deplorable, but that hardly makes him unique in this field of misogynists. And give him credit: when, as a first term governor of the Buckeye state, the voters rejected the union-busting centerpiece of his legislative agenda (by a 62-38 margin), he learned his lesson and took a more moderate approach. Honestly, Kasich is the GOP candidate I fear the most. He can appear reasonable at times. He voted in favor of the famous assault weapons ban that passed during President Clinton's first term and he expanded Medicaid in Ohio in order to receive the benefits afforded by the Affordable Care Act. Neither of those facts will sit well with the rabid GOP base.

#9 Rand Paul

Rand Paul claims to be a libertarian, whatever that may mean. He recognizes the futility and injustice of the "War on Drugs," and he has expressed legitimate concerns about the growing Big Brother state that has come in the wake of 911. On the other hand, his supposedly deeply held beliefs about personal liberty seem to evaporate when it comes to women's rights. And he's an Ayn Rand acolyte. Rand's world is not a world I want to live in.

#8 Chris Christie

Chris Christie missed his Big Chance^TM in 2012. Back then, he was riding high as a popular Republican governor in a sapphire-blue state. Republicans were desperate for a winner, and if they hadn't settled for hapless Mitt Romney, Christie might have fit the bill. But now that the bloom has come off his rose (with the Bridgegate scandal, with his embrace of President Obama), his time is gone. But don't take it too hard, Chris. You probably would have lost to President Obama in the general anyway...

#7 Ted Cruz

I used to think Ted Cruz was utterly despicable. The very sight of him would make my skin crawl. But now that I've learned a little more about him, I find him less odious than I had previously believed. Why? Because he's a showman. His antics (the pseudo-filibuster during which he read "The Cat in the Hat," his vow to "throw [him]self in front of a moving train to stop Obamacare," and so on) are delivered with a wink and a nod. The man is no fool. He clerked for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He was a debate champion at Yale University. Fools don't do things like that. (And how badly can you dislike anyone who is willing to call Mitch McConnell a liar to his face?) Cruz knows that to succeed in the GOP, he will have to appeal to the Tea Partiers and the Know-Nothings. He needs to make them believe he is the Real Deal^TM. I doubt he'll succeed, though. He's been Trumped.

#6 Marco Rubio

Nasty, morally adrift, and ambitious. That's how I describe Marco Rubio. He's an opportunist, which makes him not at all unique in politics, but he's banking his entire campaign on his youth, his ethnicity, and his ability to speak Spanish. Remember back in 2013, when Rubio was part of the so-called "Gang of Eight?" You know, that bipartisan group of senators who were tasked with writing a comprehensive immigration reform bill? When the product of that endeavor became known to the general public, Tea Partiers freaked out! "It's amnesty! It's rewarding law-breakers!" Etcetera, etcetera. So, how did Rubio react to the criticism? Did he demonstrate bold leadership and stand by the Gang of Eight plan in the interests of the country? Did he insist that the GOP get in line as part of a necessary outreach to Hispanics? Hell, no! He dropped the plan like a hot potato and jumped on the Tea Party's anti-immigration bandwagon. That's the kind of leader we would get with Marco Rubio.

#5 Ben Carson

I don't know a lot about Ben Carson. But here's all I really need to know about him: "Our military needs to know that they're not going to be prosecuted when they come back because somebody has said you did something that was politically incorrect," he said in an interview on Fox News. "There is no such thing as a politically correct war. We need to grow up. We need to mature." This is from a physician! Sorry, Ben, but torture and war crimes are more than just being "politically incorrect." They are gaping pits that descend into hell. They debase and dehumanize both the victims and the perpetrators. I know Tea Party folks eat that sh*t up with a spoon, but playing to it makes you weak and sycophantic.

#4 Donald Trump

The Donald is getting more media attention than any of the others on this list. And most of it is due to the vile and obnoxious spew that comes out of his mouth hole. He would make a a truly sh*tty president. In fact, were he to be elected (which will never happen) he would be a bigger disaster than any of these other men. But I just can't take him seriously. You see, despite his being a billionaire, I don't think the man is very bright. He's a megalomaniac who has captured the imagination of all the little would-be authoritarians that comprise the GOP base. He's a fad. He's a Tea Party cri de guerre.. Recall the 2012 primary season, when Republicans went through an entire slate of "anti-Establishment" candidates (Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum, even Newt Gingrich, for Christ's sake!) before settling on Mitt. Trump is that. Trump is their what-might-have-been dream. When the 2016 election is past, after they nominate Jeb Bush or Scott Walker and lose another national election, they will look back at the Donald and get all misty. Can't you just hear them now? "If we had nominated Donald Trump, we'd be in the White House right now!"

#3 Jeb Bush

Bush has got to be the odds-on favorite to win the nomination. This despite trailing Donald Trump by double digits in all the polls. (It's very early, people.) And, call me crazy, but I'm willing to bet that his campaign is very glad to have Donald Trump in the race. Trump is the lightning rod that draws away all the destruction and negative attention that might otherwise have come crashing down on Jeb. That's got to be a welcome reprieve given that Jeb hasn't proven himself to be a particularly effective campaigner. He's made several gaffes that are, frankly, pretty surprising. A few weeks ago he fumbled an obvious question about his idiot brother's Iraq adventure and, more recently, undid any women's outreach the GOP might have been developing by claiming that the federal government spends too much on women's health. But with a whopping $100 million war chest, Jeb is going to be in the race for a while. His positions are entirely malleable. The Tea Party folks don't like him, but they'll get in line. The GOP establishment knows that. And they know Jeb. He's part of the Old Boys' network. And the Old Boys have the money to make Jeb happen. For my part, his ape of a brother has precluded the possibility of me considering him as anything more than a stooge for the corporate elite. 

#2 Scott Walker

The union-busting governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker, is about as low as they come. Smug, self-righteous, and unflappable, his demeanor alone is enough to make me change the station whenever I see him on the telly. Although he's certainly not a patrician, like Jeb, or a demogogue like Trump or Ted Cruz, he's something even worse. He's rejected the Medicaid expansion that would allow access to health care to low-income Wisconsinites. He's curtailed labor rights. He's thwarted any attempts in his state to combat global warming. He signed a bill to defund Planned Parenthood. The fact that he has only a high school education completes the profile. He's a real Tea Partier, people. He actually believes that sh*t. 

 

#1 Mike Huckabee

And finally, we've reached the bottom of the Republican barrel. This man is the worst possible choice for President of the United States. A moralizing hypocrite, a would-be dictator, and a religious zealot. He's all of those, dressed in an "ah, shucks" demeanor. While governor of Arkansas, Huckabee agressively pushed for the early release of serial rapist Wayne Dumond as a means of embarrassing his political nemesis, President Clinton. Then, when Dumond raped and murdered a woman in Missouri, Huckabee whitewashed his involvement in the affair. Huckabee's rhetoric is full of righteousness and fire and brimstone. He's a perfect encapsulation of the most ugly segment of the rightwing demographic: A pseudo-Christian hypocrite, a witch-hunter, a stone-caster. 

And there you have it

 

Well, that's it, folks. That's how I rank the current GOP field. Not that they care. None of these guys is worried about getting my vote. There are plenty of people who will buy their bunkum.

Besides, I'm a Bernie Sanders man.